wherein I freak out enough for myself, all my friends, and the pope

{l}

I tend to be a fairly even keeled person until I freak out. And when I freak out, I freak out good. I'm usually annoyingly calm about making a huge decision (you know...quitting a job, moving to minnesota, deciding what to do after minnesota, etc.). And then it happens. I'm screaming "HOLY SHIT." What am I doing?

I'm known for my freak outs. (See: freaking out about freaking out or when the floor drops out beneath you or rock.paper.scissors.) There are people who have come to expect my freaking out emails. I usually send them either a few days after I've made a big decision or a few days before. A few weeks ago one of my people got a frantic phone call from me. I needed to make a decision about another volunteer year and I was freaking out. When we met up, she immediately asked "What's wrong?"

"I'M FREAKING OUT. CAN'T YOU TELL???"

She actually chuckled at me. (A brisk walk & a 2 hour chat finally calmed me down enough to make a decision).

It's kind of like the first big hill of a roller coaster. I hate that hill and tend to freak out as the coaster is slowly crawling up the top of the hill. I'm convinced we're either going to die or the coaster is going to get stuck and the park people will have to rescue us. I'm gripping the hand rest bar, trying not to look down, remembering to breathe, and repeatedly saying "ohmygod." (I usually sound just like the lady in this video).

 I often wish that freaking out could help me get out of making a decision or stop the changes. It doesn't. I just freak out through them and, somehow, come out alive on the other side.