And the day came when the risk 

to remain tight in a bud was more painful 

than the risk it took to blossom.

- Anaïs Nin

the one year itch

A friend called me last weekend and said "I'm restless." I knew exactly what she meant. I was driving home on a Saturday evening from a home visit and a long day of work. Restless. Knowing that something needs to change, but not being able to figure out what it is.

I'm no stranger to this feeling. It's taken me from my family home to MN to the Villa. And, now, it's back. I thought I was finished with the one year plan. One year in MN. One year at the Villa. March is usually the month when I begin looking for a new job, a new program. But, this year, I'm settling into a normal life. My life isn't dictated by the end of a program in July. Even so, I still find myself quickly looking up things that will change my "current life." Quickly as in "if I don't look at this webpage for a long time, then nothing will need to change." I tell everyone that I don't want to uproot myself for at least a year because I'm tired of living my life in one year increments, but I feel like it's time to change something up. I don't know what that will be. I don't want to change jobs. I don't want to change living arrangements.

But, I feel the need for change. I feel like I am somehow settling and I don't like that feeling. I don't know what I am settling with or if I'm settling with everything...or nothing at all.

just one weekend

There is a Beautiful Creature

Living in a hole you have dug.

So at night

I set fruit and grains

And little pots of wine and milk

Beside your soft earthen mounds,

And I often sing.

But still, my dear,

You do not come out.

I have fallen in love with Someone

Who hides inside you.

We should talk about this problem---

Otherwise,

I will never leave you alone.

-Hafiz

I first came across this poem about 1 year ago. I boxed & starred it and filed it away in my neatly organized binder. Last Friday, while reflecting on the past year, I came across it and felt like it was written just for me. It perfectly describes my life right now and the running that I tend to do. Something tells me that I should tape this somewhere where I can read it every morning.

The long weekend was a homecoming and a reunion of sorts. It was a time to relax, take brisk walks for the few minutes that I could brave the temperatures, visit the farm, catch up with people I love, & visit my heart.

welcome home.

oh hey.

sharing a little love

This brown bag probably doesn't look like anything special. On Monday morning, I packed up my bags and headed back to work. One of the sisters insisted on backing me a brown bagged lunch complete with a sandwich, fruit, chips, & 1/2 a doughnut. It made my heart happy. Had it been up to me, I would have probably skipped lunch.

here we go?

[source]

speaking to me.

“Following your bliss is not self-indulgent, but vital; your whole physical system knows that this is the way to be alive in this world and the way to give to the world the very best that you have to offer. There IS a track just waiting for each of us and once on it, doors will open that were not open before and would not open for anyone else.”
—Joseph Campbell

all in a year or two

 

 

 

 

written in June 2008 - not long after I graduated from WC

I spent a good part of college worrying that I was going to miss my calling. The term "calling" was new to me. My Presbyterian friends talked about calling and predestination and wondered why I didn't know my calling. Sure, I went into college thinking that I was going to teach high school English. I toyed with the idea of going into Teach for America. By the time I began my sophomore year, I had a sicking feeling that I didn't want to teach. Nonetheless, I completed the mandatory 2 week field experience over Winter Break. I hated it. I finally found the courage to drop secondary education and eventually broke the news to my family.

I spent the rest of college trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I tried journalism and wrote for the school paper. That was ok, but not how I wanted to spend my life. When people asked me what I wanted to do, I could only say, "I want to work with people." I carried that with me as I found a job working in a development office. (Not a fan of the work, but I loved where I was working). Somewhere, I found the courage that I wanted and took off for a year long volunteer program in Minnesota. I spent the year living in community and working with a refugee resettlement program. I found a job that I loved.

I took off for Minnesota on August 21, 2010, and I haven't looked back. A year ago, I began a year of learning and working on a farm and at a Catholic Worker House. I traveled into the complete unknown world of farm work for four months and relished the time I spent working outdoors. As the program ended, I wasn't sure what direction I wanted to head. In July, I packed up and moved to Cleveland without a clear plan. In a week, I'll start a position with a refugee resettlement agency. I'll be going back to a field that I love. I wish I could tell my recently graduated self to trust her instincts, be ok with doing something different, and not to stress out so much.

moving towards change

“Growth means change 

and 

change involves risk; 

stepping from the known to the unknown.”

-George Shinn

thoughts

{l}

We are saying Thank You

A much belated Thanksgiving update. Thanksgiving is the holiday in my family. Everyone gathers at Gram and Papa's to celebrate the day. This year was different without Papa, but we managed to have fun. I told the people up here that it was more important for me to go home for Thanksgiving that it was for Christmas.

This year I am thankful for:

Time with the brother.

meeting up with part of the alphabet.

Southwest airlines.

Gram and this little guy (Colin Daniel, my baby cousin)

these lovely ladies

Gram and Papa. <3

lack of sleep

I woke up this morning at 6:53. That's almost two hours before I needed to wake up and almost earlier than I wake up for work during the week. This weekend has been a crappy weekend for sleep. I was up at 8 on Saturday morning.

I woke up freaking out. There were hundred of little plastic army men doing back flips in my stomach. Yes. today they were army men and this picture is exactly what they felt like in my stomach.

They were doing backflips as my mind was racing about everything going on at work, the meeting with the HR person, the possibly looking for another job, the getting a passport, the stuff going on with Papa, the possibly of looking for a place to live if I go through with getting a different job, this this and the that, and the freaking out about freaking out. I tend to do that a lot.

I'm hoping the plastic army men stay away tonight so I'm going to make myself a nice cup of lavender earl grey tea and relax before trying to get some shut eye.