He hasn't answered yet.

Today is the 32nd anniversary of the deaths of Sr. Ita Ford, Sr. Maura Clarke, Sr. Dorothy Kazel, and Jean Donavon. They are the four American Churchwomen who were killed in El Salvador on Dec. 2, 1980.

[source]

"I'm 26 years old. I should be married. I shouldn't be running around doing all of these things. But then I think, I've got so many things I want to do. It's hard when I see my friends getting married and having babies, that's something I've thought about...am I ever going to have kids? Sometimes I wonder if I'm denying that to myself. I really don't want to, but that's maybe what I'm doing. And then I sit there and talk to God and say, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I just be your little suburban housewife? He hasn't answered yet. Sometimes I get mad at God. Sometimes I tell God I'm going to chuck the whole thing, that I've had it." 
- Jean Donovan

My life exactly. Or, at the very least, exactly how I feel. Right now, I so resonate with the struggle Jean Donovan mentioned. I'm 26 years old and, as always, struggling between what I want and what I feel I should be doing. "Can't I be normal?" I'm frequently asking this. A slight shake of the head of a push in the opposite direction is the only answer (or non-answer) that I get. As my friends marry, I wonder "Will I have that?" or "Should I want to have that more?" I don't know the answer.

My grandma told someone that I flitted around like Hillary Clinton. No one knows what she meant, but I think she wanted me to put down some strings -- no more moving from state to state for volunteer programs. I can't stay still--there are too many things that I want to do. I can't imagine myself tied down to a family and home. I'd feel suffocated...limited. Despite this knowledge, I still wonder if that's what I should be doing.

(Here are some great reflections about the American Churchwomen: Wandering in Wonder, FaithJustice, and Share-El Salvador).

speaking to me.

“Following your bliss is not self-indulgent, but vital; your whole physical system knows that this is the way to be alive in this world and the way to give to the world the very best that you have to offer. There IS a track just waiting for each of us and once on it, doors will open that were not open before and would not open for anyone else.”
—Joseph Campbell

a rant directed at those who jumble all the holidays together

Dear Lifetime, Hallmark Channel, Target, Best Buy, & any other business who feels the need to play Christmas movies/music already,

Last time I looked at the calendar, it was November 10. Last time I checked, Christmas fell on December 25th. Why do you feel the need to play Christmas music and/or create obnoxious Christmas displays this early in November?

I'm one of those people who refuses to listen to Christmas music until December. I've got Thanksgiving and Advent still to come. I grew up in a family who didn't decorate a tree or display many Christmas decorations until the week before Christmas. We like to celebrate each one of our holidays on its own. Thanksgiving isn't Christmas. Thanksgiving is the day for my family to come together, give thanks for one another, remember those who are no longer with us, share a meal, and laugh together. One month later, we will gather to celebrate Christmas.

I complain when you don't give your employees Thanksgiving day off and when Black Friday turns into a day of utter mayhem. Christmas displays and music this early in November makes me want to boycott your store or tv channel. Give it a rest and remember that there are other holidays and that not everyone wants the Christmas spirit thrown in his/her face all year long.

Sincerely,
a disgruntled person.

photo walk and life

The back part of our driveway (where we park) has an interesting old brick wall lined with leaves and some ivy. On Sunday, the leaves had finally changed and were the perfect colors for a picture.

A couple weeks ago, I had a day off and decided to wander around the Tremont area of Cleveland for a picture walk, some coffee with a friend, and quiet time. I was still actively taking part in the photo challenge over at fatmumslim. I think the challenge for that day was "angles." Tremont, much like Ohio City, is such a photogenic neighborhood.

now closed. I love the play of light and dark in this picture.

Things at work have finally picked up leaving me with not much time to breathe during the day. I'm running around getting the hang of things in this area. Confirmations and reminders as to why I am in the refugee resettlement field. Days are usually long and frequently stressful, but I get to meet interesting people.

On Sunday afternoon, I sat in a waiting room while my car got a tune up. The other lady there struck up a conversation with me over the Browns game and the book I had brought in with me. (Merton, Seven Story Mountain). I learned her life story, listened to her missed dreams, talked about refugees, the Peace Corps, Catholicism, and so many other things. The mechanic let us know that our cars were finished, but we stayed talking & screaming at the TV. At the end of the 2nd quarter, we shook hands and God blessed each other before returning to our respective lives.

happy reunions

Happy reunions at the airport are my favorite part of my job. Today, I got to take part in one.



Harvest and Homecoming: New Roots in the Bronx from International Rescue Committee on Vimeo.

They always remind me of Love Actually and the happy reunions at the arrival gate of London's Heathrow Airport.

the embrace of home

Autumn is my favorite season. I love the smell of it, the changing leaves, the everything. This weekend, I headed home for some time with friends & family. Sunday morning brought Mass at St. Pat's with the Nuns on the Bus Ohio crew. It was exactly what I needed.
 

walking the trail

my favorite trees

This tree turns the most fabulous shade of fiery orange.

The Nuns on the Bus Ohio stopped in Youngstown yesterday for a rally at MYCAP and, then, spent the morning at St. Patrick's celebrating Mass.

merging worlds

I've completed training and 3 weeks at my new job with a refugee resettlement organization. I know that refugee work is where I belong and I'm ready to really dive into my job. I've spent the past couple weeks learning more about the refugee population with which I will be working. My only experience is with the Somali and Iraqi communities. Now, I am working with the Burmese, Karen, Nepalis (Bhutanese), Uzbeks, and Iraqis. I've enjoyed a Friday afternoon Michael Jackson dance party with a couple 3 year old kids in my office while they waited for their parents to finish an ESOL class. I've set up apartments and used charades in an attempt to determine what someone wanted. After about 2 months of not working, I'm slowly becoming the workaholic that I always am.

Lately, I've been more aware of the many ways my life is changing and merging. I don't have just one place that I call home. I have a couple places that I can go and say that "I'm home." My challenge is merging each of those worlds and finding out exactly what I want to do. I've been acutely aware of this over the course of this weekend as I traveled from one home to the other and shared laughter and hugs with all the people I love.  

I'm participating in the October photo a day challenge over at fat mum slim. Here's a selection of pictures from the last week.

Day 1: where you stood

day 3: this happened today

day 4: what you read

day 6: I'm thankful for...